I am going home

It's been days that I hadn't been at home. Last time when I was at home was in 2010 when I was in my college. I had no purpose, no career, no pressure, no image barriers. I was who I was. A guitarist, a dancer, a writer, a poet, an anchor, a leader, a wannabe explorer. But soon the world reprimanded me about the race of life and that life is not about a merry-go-round or being a happy go lucky kid but more about finding a 'career'. The race began and I left my home. I found it highly amusing and full of zest to compete in this newly found marathon. There was glory and honor all around me as I kept moving forward leaving art, people even love for that matter. I still remember an advice from my senior, "you either become an IAS officer or a good lover but not both." I became more focused and competitive than ever before. But things didn't work and I didn't even clear the first step of my so called career. However it never transformed into guilt or depression or disappointment because I was gaining everything from this journey which I was always intrigued to know. I got political science. I got history, geography, environment, economics, Indian polity, ethics and what not. Everything was coming so natural to me so much so that I felt I was born to be an IAS aspirant. Yet I discovered recently that I had taken career too seriously and since long time I have been away from home. No! not my birth place where I was groomed and nurtured but "My Home" where I created and discovered who am I; where I was a wannabe and lived a life without being bothered by what the world says.

I wanted to talk about this 'Home' since long time because I know everyone of us deep down inside is longing for that home which we all had left for different reasons. Coming so far, what have we got? Nothing but a job which manages to buy a lifestyle to boast on; to show people and the world that we too exist. Good for those who found their foot in that circle but what about those who couldn't. Are we really working or just doing a maths tuition because that's the norm? I think it's a very serious situation and a beginning of mid-life crises caused due to loss of identity. And this is because we have left our 'home' and stopped being ourselves and living a fake life. The home I am referring to is not a place, it's a feeling. A feeling which empowers you to be "YOU" and not copied version of some individual specially crafted to meet parent's expectation, friend's admiration, social affirmation or an ego boost. I feel really pity for a sense of admiration in the society if a person 'works' no matter how pathetic human being he/she is. Rows of marriage proposals surrounds around what the person does? rather than who the person is? Yes, our work is an extension of our identity but that gets lost if we become slave to others' idea of human being be it parents, friends, society or world as a whole rather than being our own self.

We all have built a false identity about ourselves for different reasons. To sound cool, gain praise, affirmation and what not in order to survive and dwell in different spheres be it academics, friends group, society and now job circle. Moreover, we have painted that identities with beautiful words like career, aim, purpose and we have taken high regard in its pursuit. When our heart someday reminds us of our true identity through our passion and interests we take refuge in words like job satisfaction, parents' pressure, sacrifice and many big words to show how responsible and focused we have become or simply to lie to our own soul and take an escape route to suppress the grief of fake life which is causing sleepless nights . The truth is we don't have enough courage to fight for our own identity against the world. We are afraid of showing our true-self because that is someone stupid, clumsy, ugly and we don't want world to scorn us for that. We fear to travel alone in the journey of unknown. We are indeed a social animal and can't live in isolation. But If this false mingling with people through our fake character is not giving bliss and dignity in living a life any more then we must leave that house and build our own "Home".

Every night before sleeping we ask ourselves what we are doing in life? we never asked such questions when we didn't finish our home work back in school days. That is why we miss our childhood more because back then we had a free life. We weren't just a student of some school but a curious child who loved his life. And that was snatched too when boards came in. No one cared what did you love even if you were an exceptional cricketer, excellent painter, good musician or what not and whole recognition of our identity was centered only on good grades in the end. Year by year, career by career, everything we were made up of was killed and were forced to be a version that is necessary to lead a career or a goal or maintain some shallow family prestige.  Is this pressure to be someone else is ever going to end? when we are going to be the person we want? I don't think there is any end. As marriage will be in the corner soon, whatever true left in us will also be killed to become a good "husband/wife".  Whole life is being spent on ticking those boxes from good grades to good job, how many more? Till when we will keep killing ourselves for the sake of people, world and society and start living the identity we want to hold; start being the Kid we always want to be. 

Our identity is nurtured by our irrational beliefs, upbringing, surrounding, lack of knowledge about the self and the world and it is impossible to find our way in one day. I know It can't happen in a moment. It's a process. But you will find yourself one day if you begin your journey today. Even I was image conscious before. We all tend to be. In fact we must be! why shouldn't we? We all worked day and night to build that and getting attached to our identity however fake it is, is tend to happen . But when I realized that I was dying in that false image I decided to break the bubble. I felt suffocated in that race to build a successful career. I realized soon who I truly am. And one day I decided that I am going to die with an identity of my own rather than suffocating in a false image as a prisoner of world throughout my life. All it took was a second to choose between being a parrot in a golden cage who will be well fed yet no life of his own or a free eagle; who will have a hard time even feeding one meal yet flying freely in infinite sky. 

Life is too short to spend it entirely on meeting expectations of people and world. You can be anyone but definitely not a dream machine meant to serve a purpose in life. No one really gives a shit about how much you earn, where did you work and what do you do; so whom are we fooling and why are we living in this bubble of our own perception of success and failures? You are here in this world to 'be'. You must be what you are. However stupid it may sound to the world, however misfit the society feels you are, because society and the world is not your home. Your home is "Your Home" , Where your true identity dwells, where no one judges you for being yourself. Only you live there! Not even your closest mate. Just you! You work, sweat, play, cry, fear even die there but everything for yourself and no one reprimands you for being 'you'. 

You would feel freedom, beauty and love in almost everything you come across in this world if you chose to live the life you want. Yes, you will have tensions, pressure, responsibilities in your way. Yet they will no longer act as stumbling blocks but more as stepping stones in your journey. That in true sense will serve your identity , your dreams, your own idea of life.

I have decided to set the whole world as my stage now. To dance, sing, write, act and lead; to be the one I want; to fly, float and explore the sky; to be "Me". I am leaving  for my journey,

I am going my "HOME"....!