Farewell Wolverine

I recently watched 'Logan', the final rendition of wolverine's character by Hugh Jackman. I was filled with all awe and nostalgia as the movie ended. I just couldn't digest the fact that I would no longer see Hugh Jackman in Wolverine's suit again. The death of Wolverine, though just for the movie's sake, made me numb. Only those who have been following X-men since childhood would relate to it. Myriad of emotions, memories and empathy attached to this wonderful character flashed before my eyes with wolverine's end. 

 

I still remember the very first time when I saw 'X-men' cartoon was on Fox-Kids, that used to air on star plus channel. Being a child, I was fascinated by these super-humans, from superman to spider-man, who with their special powers would do wonders in their world. This X-men series however had a big gang of super-humans; meaning more super-powers, more action, more adventure. Wolverine was the most ferocious, stylish, and the coolest of all; needless to say, he soon entered my world of fantasy. I was so fascinated with his iron claws that I would cut the branches of my tree and create wooden claws with them. It was the easiest way to emulate as those sticks would easily fit in your knuckles  and all you had to do was hold them tight; and you would become 'The Wolverine' in no time. I used to play in my courtyard with those wooden claws, thinking as if I was a Wolverine then . I had killed much more sentinels in my imagination than wolverine himself could ever have in any episode. But my fantasy too met the Doomsday when Fox-kids stopped broadcasting the X-men series. I was sad for very long time. But, to my surprise, marvel began its X-men franchise on silver screen. Who could have asked for more. And it was then I got to know 'Logan',  a side of Wolverine and X-men which remained unexplored to me till then.

With every installment of the movie, I understood more about the world of X-men. Today I happened to find its resemblance with our world. Very few people are born with special abilities but the world doesn't recognize it. In fact, they call you a 'Mutant', a stigma, a bad-word to disassociate themselves with you; as if you don't belong to this world. How many of you hadn't faced the same abandonment by friends, school groups or people around just because you were not like them or were different in some way. But X-men taught us that we are not alone in this world. We got people like 'Professor Xavier' in veil of a parent, relative or teacher, who would nurture our 'different' identity, would teach us to wear it with pride and would give us a reason as to why we shouldn't  hate those who try to abandon us. People  abandon you because they have a reason to fear. If we use our abilities and special powers, not to overpower them or hurt them but for helping them instead, we would co-exist, as we share this world together. Thus, we got many crazy, mad, outrageous people like us, in our respective 'Xavier's school.' It taught us to live together; help each other outgrow our evils and stand together, to beat bigger odds of life, the mighty sentinels.

I thought I had got all what I wanted from this franchise until I 

saw, 'X-men origins: Wolverine' which got released in 2009. It  deciphered complete character sketch of  Logan and the genesis of  X-men. This movie made me realize that not all mutants are the same. We are not the same. We all have different traumas, different reasons of abandonment; perhaps, different life journeys altogether. Only if we could relate with the Logan we would realize how difficult would be the journey of life. For me, we are all that Logan, (who is unknown of  his existence) People call us by a name but we don't know who we truly are? Though we have parents, friends, careers, work; yet these questions of, "who am I?", "what's my purpose of life?"  keep haunting us too.

 However hard you try to ignore, the Logan in you, will question your world, "Am I just a machine created simply to fulfill social, economic, emotional requirements of others; be it family, friends, society or a world as whole? Did they simply turned me into a mighty weapon-X just to conquer all odds, for an organization, group or a race? They wiped our memories about who we are, what we are; asked us to forget our homes; and in a lieu of enhancing our specialties, they made us a slave of their organization." I feel like an exploited Weapon-X whenever I think what this world is offering me? Just to save myself from the tag 'different'/'Mutant', Do I need to comprome my whole life by becoming a weapon-x of their organization rather than believing in my special powers ? or Am I simply afraid to choose a life of  Logan. A different life from what world promotes; where I can be whoever what I want to be, where I don't have to answer anyone for who am I; where I choose to be free. No careers, no goals, no pressure to impress anyone. A life of I, me and myself.

Furthermore, after many X-Men installments, it was in 2013 when I happened to watch 'X-men Eevolution', animated series, I deciphered profound insights through it. And my views of isolated life met rationality.  I understood that it's not always about you. The world is not such a bad a place to live in, perhaps there is reason to live; Love. One day you would meet Jean grey, who would understand your pain and emotional turmoil; she would help you find yourself and show you the world of love, the love of life. Jean might be a place, person, object or a hobby which would help you connect with your real self. It may travel with you only for some part of your lifetime or may become part of you eternally; either ways, Jean will show you the magic of love and life. Jean teaches you that everyone is lonely as you are but you can even relate to a stranger if you want to; you can even make friends if you start to care; you can even find a home away from home if you want to, for home is not a place but a feeling; the world is a mess, but there are better things to look for, to stand up for;  as you are different and unique as well, you can make a difference, you just have to decide your sphere of influence, and you can become a 'Wolverine!'

In the last franchise 'Logan' I realized how your whole world shatters despite of being a Wolverine throughout your life and yet again, you remain a normal, lonely, Logan in the end. All your special mutant friends with whom you had laughed, fought, played, stood against all odds; are gone. Despite of trying so hard and standing up for good reasons, the world hasn't changed, in fact it has become uglier, darker and worse than before. You become tired of being a wolverine and are simply awaiting death. The immortality which seems like gift to many, feels like a curse to you. You simply want to finish this whole circle of life. But you forget a simple fact, 'It's not about you. Life is not about what you want and what you get, its beyond 'YOU'. ' 

In your pursuit of identity, you did have found an identity. You didn't realize it, but many are influenced by the Wolverine and Logan in you. If you think for a while you would realize that there are many Logans  like you; who don't know who they are, where do they belong; how to fit into this world; who are friend-less, parent-less, purpose-less; searching for a home. You may choose to die, but what about those Logans around, would you want them to experience same pain and loss of existence, the way you have suffered throughout your life? You realize that, there is no escape from life. The pain, melancholy, struggle is continuous; it will follow you till the last breath of your life; in fact it is all part of the human life. It is all about causality and choices, what do you choose? Back then you could have remain isolated and choose to live a life of Logan; a melancholic, ferocious, wild wolf, who cares for nothing; but you had chosen to become more than just logan, you had chosen to be The Wolverine. You fix your mind and choose to become a wolverine again and fight for all the Logans out there. You unleash yourself and put everything in that fight, even your last drop of blood. You meet the purpose and die a heroic death fighting for something which you have spent your whole life craving for, 'HOME'; And there you die in peace; No regrets, no plight, no desires anymore. 

You wonder how an abandoned, lost, lonely, outrageous, weapon-x,  spent  his whole life trying to figure out, who Logan really is; and instead became a Wolverine in the process. The Logans for whom you have fought for, bury you and bid a farewell to your existence by tilting the cross to 'X' sign, as mark of tribute for the one who stood for them, fought for them; gave them a hope and zillions of memories for the world to remember, 

 'W o l v e r i n e ...!'

I am going home

It's been days that I hadn't been at home. Last time when I was at home was in 2010 when I was in my college. I had no purpose, no career, no pressure, no image barriers. I was who I was. A guitarist, a dancer, a writer, a poet, an anchor, a leader, a wannabe explorer. But soon the world reprimanded me about the race of life and that life is not about a merry-go-round or being a happy go lucky kid but more about finding a 'career'. The race began and I left my home. I found it highly amusing and full of zest to compete in this newly found marathon. There was glory and honor all around me as I kept moving forward leaving art, people even love for that matter. I still remember an advice from my senior, "you either become an IAS officer or a good lover but not both." I became more focused and competitive than ever before. But things didn't work and I didn't even clear the first step of my so called career. However it never transformed into guilt or depression or disappointment because I was gaining everything from this journey which I was always intrigued to know. I got political science. I got history, geography, environment, economics, Indian polity, ethics and what not. Everything was coming so natural to me so much so that I felt I was born to be an IAS aspirant. Yet I discovered recently that I had taken career too seriously and since long time I have been away from home. No! not my birth place where I was groomed and nurtured but "My Home" where I created and discovered who am I; where I was a wannabe and lived a life without being bothered by what the world says.

I wanted to talk about this 'Home' since long time because I know everyone of us deep down inside is longing for that home which we all had left for different reasons. Coming so far, what have we got? Nothing but a job which manages to buy a lifestyle to boast on; to show people and the world that we too exist. Good for those who found their foot in that circle but what about those who couldn't. Are we really working or just doing a maths tuition because that's the norm? I think it's a very serious situation and a beginning of mid-life crises caused due to loss of identity. And this is because we have left our 'home' and stopped being ourselves and living a fake life. The home I am referring to is not a place, it's a feeling. A feeling which empowers you to be "YOU" and not copied version of some individual specially crafted to meet parent's expectation, friend's admiration, social affirmation or an ego boost. I feel really pity for a sense of admiration in the society if a person 'works' no matter how pathetic human being he/she is. Rows of marriage proposals surrounds around what the person does? rather than who the person is? Yes, our work is an extension of our identity but that gets lost if we become slave to others' idea of human being be it parents, friends, society or world as a whole rather than being our own self.

We all have built a false identity about ourselves for different reasons. To sound cool, gain praise, affirmation and what not in order to survive and dwell in different spheres be it academics, friends group, society and now job circle. Moreover, we have painted that identities with beautiful words like career, aim, purpose and we have taken high regard in its pursuit. When our heart someday reminds us of our true identity through our passion and interests we take refuge in words like job satisfaction, parents' pressure, sacrifice and many big words to show how responsible and focused we have become or simply to lie to our own soul and take an escape route to suppress the grief of fake life which is causing sleepless nights . The truth is we don't have enough courage to fight for our own identity against the world. We are afraid of showing our true-self because that is someone stupid, clumsy, ugly and we don't want world to scorn us for that. We fear to travel alone in the journey of unknown. We are indeed a social animal and can't live in isolation. But If this false mingling with people through our fake character is not giving bliss and dignity in living a life any more then we must leave that house and build our own "Home".

Every night before sleeping we ask ourselves what we are doing in life? we never asked such questions when we didn't finish our home work back in school days. That is why we miss our childhood more because back then we had a free life. We weren't just a student of some school but a curious child who loved his life. And that was snatched too when boards came in. No one cared what did you love even if you were an exceptional cricketer, excellent painter, good musician or what not and whole recognition of our identity was centered only on good grades in the end. Year by year, career by career, everything we were made up of was killed and were forced to be a version that is necessary to lead a career or a goal or maintain some shallow family prestige.  Is this pressure to be someone else is ever going to end? when we are going to be the person we want? I don't think there is any end. As marriage will be in the corner soon, whatever true left in us will also be killed to become a good "husband/wife".  Whole life is being spent on ticking those boxes from good grades to good job, how many more? Till when we will keep killing ourselves for the sake of people, world and society and start living the identity we want to hold; start being the Kid we always want to be. 

Our identity is nurtured by our irrational beliefs, upbringing, surrounding, lack of knowledge about the self and the world and it is impossible to find our way in one day. I know It can't happen in a moment. It's a process. But you will find yourself one day if you begin your journey today. Even I was image conscious before. We all tend to be. In fact we must be! why shouldn't we? We all worked day and night to build that and getting attached to our identity however fake it is, is tend to happen . But when I realized that I was dying in that false image I decided to break the bubble. I felt suffocated in that race to build a successful career. I realized soon who I truly am. And one day I decided that I am going to die with an identity of my own rather than suffocating in a false image as a prisoner of world throughout my life. All it took was a second to choose between being a parrot in a golden cage who will be well fed yet no life of his own or a free eagle; who will have a hard time even feeding one meal yet flying freely in infinite sky. 

Life is too short to spend it entirely on meeting expectations of people and world. You can be anyone but definitely not a dream machine meant to serve a purpose in life. No one really gives a shit about how much you earn, where did you work and what do you do; so whom are we fooling and why are we living in this bubble of our own perception of success and failures? You are here in this world to 'be'. You must be what you are. However stupid it may sound to the world, however misfit the society feels you are, because society and the world is not your home. Your home is "Your Home" , Where your true identity dwells, where no one judges you for being yourself. Only you live there! Not even your closest mate. Just you! You work, sweat, play, cry, fear even die there but everything for yourself and no one reprimands you for being 'you'. 

You would feel freedom, beauty and love in almost everything you come across in this world if you chose to live the life you want. Yes, you will have tensions, pressure, responsibilities in your way. Yet they will no longer act as stumbling blocks but more as stepping stones in your journey. That in true sense will serve your identity , your dreams, your own idea of life.

I have decided to set the whole world as my stage now. To dance, sing, write, act and lead; to be the one I want; to fly, float and explore the sky; to be "Me". I am leaving  for my journey,

I am going my "HOME"....!

Maahi Way

Amidst your mundane routine, a moment comes out of the blue; it lifts your conscious, tearing apart reality, and takes you to a different world altogether. A world, painted by your own versions of truth and through many emotional events, embossed on the canvas of life. One such moment happened when I saw the trailer of ‘M.S Dhoni-The untold story’. And all the hidden aspirations, beliefs, yearnings arose from the memory lane. Right from his thunderous knock of his long-hair days to the euphoric moment of six hit in the world cup 2011 final at Wankhede stadium; all the feelings associated with Maahi flooded out. His journey is special; not only for the world of cricket but also for the world of dreamers and believers. Every single boy who played or knew cricket must have had dreamed deep down his heart, to finish off a match with a six.  Moreover, it’s not just about the six or winning a match. There is more to it. Inside that six lies a dream, a naive innocent desire to become something; to show the world who he is; to pour out all his anguish and strike hard against all the hardships through a six hit across the boundary of impossibilities. Above all, it is about quenching a thirst of believing in something and becoming the one by finding your way and create a moment where your dreams meet the destiny. 

We are on the field, we are in the match, but still we are unable to hit “that” six which would change our lives. They say there is a way to it. We have been searching that since childhood and yet today we are unable to find that way which would enable us to kiss the sky and make a dent in the universe. I have been thinking about it since ages. All I could figure out is that it always starts with being a dreamer. As soon as a boy comes to his senses, through whatever reality he perceives; he dreams about something. And everything he does throughout his life is simply to make his small little desires, come true.

Do you remember that times when long-hair was all the rage then? As if the whole magic lies in it alone. When I observed it through a broader lens I realized that the long hair fascination was more a symbol of rebellion; having enough of school and family rules, we wanted to break the ethos and keeping long hair was our first liberal stand in life. When you become a part of something which is powerful, you tend to feel that power. And maybe that is one of the reasons to follow Maahi’s hairstyle.  When the president of Pakistan, Parvez Musharraf in one of the presentation ceremonies, suggested dhoni not to have a haircut, I thought that this trick works; “Be a Rebel!” Forget the conventions of technicality and stop following the norms; break the barriers and hit the ball the way it comes. That was one of the very first magic tricks I guess which everyone became aware of initially. Though there is no sin in being cool, confining it to the idea of long-hair and breaking norms only and nothing beyond, certainly retards your growth; and there were more magic tricks which still remained unexplored.

With the advent of teenage life came performance pressure. College, tuitions, tests, exams, and pressure to be cool. We required more magic tricks now. Then, T-20 world cup 2007 came to our rescue. It represented the same settings of our new world. Newly found team with newly discovered captain for the newly found format of T20. The eyes were on our new icon, and now the captain. Who can forget the last over of joginder sharma in Ind vs. Pak finale? We witnessed a miracle then. Indian team was treated as underdogs in the tournament and yet, they came out as champions. That day I discovered another magic trick; you got to take a leap of faith and “believe!” Miracles will follow.

Being a dreamer, a rebel, a believer; it seemed possible to lead the way now. But the newly found leader in us wanted to do the things in our own way from cricket matches, college activities to get-togethers. And the mantra of “coolness” and “strategy” borrowed from Csk captain, always helped in overcoming various obstacles within no time. Yet, as the time passed by, the roads become rougher than before to walk on.  Criticism increased and so did the noise around whatever decisions we would make. As we challenged the status quo, it unconsciously hurt the sentiments of people around it. We did have to face a hard time in managing many things like college events, ceremonies, counter strike matches, birthday celebrations, long tours, social activities, business models, alumni meets and what not.  And here when the newly born leader in us needed it the most, came one more trick of magic, “Responsibility!”

It is still afresh in my minds when Dhoni was being judged for various reasons. Right from preferring many new comers over senior players, more concentration on advertisements, dictating csk and tussle with the selectors; his every stand was questioned. Yet, he always took responsibility of his actions and never hesitated answering any question; be it a presentation ceremony or post match conferences. I have marked down one of his quotes which help in countering any question that judges your decisions.  “If it is justified that you remove me, that I am the reason behind everything going bad in Indian cricket, I would love to step aside!” I learned that if our purpose is good and the intent is right, our work itself does all the talking. Dhoni showed us that this trick if followed, one can reach a place beyond criticism and accolades; it’s just that we need to learn to accept the responsibility and not just the leadership alone. And that makes you the Captain of the ship and not simply the leader of a clan.

After exploring so many virtues, I wonder how many more magic tricks one needs to adopt so that one day we would hit ‘that’ six. After deep introspection, I realized that more than the tricks it is also about the time and circumstances where in you apply it. There is no formula for magic. There are infinite virtues to adopt. There are zillions like dhoni and may be better than him in many ways. What matters is what you want to learn in life and how many of those virtues you actually implement in your life as your magic tricks. Best example is the actor who is playing dhoni’s role in the movie, sushant singh Rajput himself. He got this role not merely out of his acting skills but for his cricketing acumen which he displayed in the movie ‘Kai po che’, which he eventually was able to grab because of his dancing skills he had portrayed in ‘Jhalak dikhla jaa’ reality show. This is a perfect case of implementing what you learned and how well you managed to put that in practice in necessary space and time. Professor Albus Dumbledore had aptly said to harry potter once, “It is not our abilities that show what we truly are, it is our choices!” If we keep our belief intact, keep making the right choices, and keep proving ourselves through all the magic tricks in hand, life will give us that opportunity to turn dreams into reality. But nothing is guaranteed. The odds would always remain damn high. Say, 2011 World Cup Final. For a minute, Imagine if you were in dhoni’s shoes, how would the whole process work?

India 114/3 21.4 overs, target 275. Sehwag, sachin already out and kohli has just dropped his wicket. What would you do? Would you send your best man ahead who has been in full form throughout the series or CHOOSE to face the heat yourself. Would you prefer belief over experience? Yet, you follow your belief and take the call to go. You play it cool, though hitting hard is your strength. You keep playing, believing, fighting ball by ball throughout to win. Yes, because you want to win. Though you have a dream of your own that one day you would hit a six to win the world cup for your country it doesn’t come before the responsibility of a captain to win. Yet, keeping victory as a core thought, you guide your game and see if you are close enough of winning as well as your dreams; your own ‘that’ moment.

 Odds: 17 balls 15 runs to win. Lasith malinga takes a fast run up but balls a slower one. You swipe it hard in the deep; it goes for four. 16^th ball: Malinga tries to ball a yorker yet dhoni flicks it hard in deep again and racing away the outfield it goes for the boundary, 4 runs! Malinga makes a hand gesture of beautiful shot with a smile on his face. What do you see? Here you win accolades of your opponents too and that is the feeling when you realize you have risen above the challenges. Odds: 7 runs to win from 15 balls. Malinga again bowls a Yorker and this time he wins by making dot. 14^th ball: Malinga bowls a full length delivery outside the off stump and you just play it in the point and manage a single. Why a single when you could easily have hit that ball hard and make it for a boundary or a six?  No, you choose to give that moment to your companion, who is the man of the tournament and you think he deserves ‘that’ moment. Yes, Yuvi too deserves that opportunity. We sometimes feel that only our dreams are unique; No they are not. Everyone wants to be there but only few, very few; 1 in zillion reaches there. And he deserves to reach there. He too has equal right to have his ‘that’ moment which he as well has been dreaming throughout his life as you have. Now, the Odds remain: 6 to win from 13 balls. Yuvi on strike. 13^th ball: Malinga again bowls a full length, it comes on his bat but yuvi keeps it safe and manages single. He grabs one more opportunity as he would be on strike now. Odds: 12 balls 5 runs. Yuvi is on strike again. At this instant, chances are high that he might hit a six and finish the game. Kulasakera bowls a yorker and yuvi swifts it in the point to manage a single. To your surprise he didn't hit a six. May be he had dreamed of being the man of tournament in the world instead of hitting a six in the world cup finale. Everyone defines his own ‘that’ moment. No one can figure it out ! Whatever the probabilities may be, now you are on the strike!

 Odds: 11 Balls 4 Runs to win. What do you want? Win, World cup, or “THAT” six about which you have been dreaming every day, every night, every single match throughout your life. What would you choose now? With the opportunity the stakes are high too. You can compromise a little and manage for a boundary. You can compromise more by soothing your false ego that you were on the crease till the last ball; what more one could ask in life? But is it really what you want? The mind analyzes : Belief vs. Security. What if you hit hard but you get catch out. Belief vs. Criticism, Belief vs. log kya kahenge? Choices are never easy to make. 

You remove your helmet; take all the sweat out and with it all the thoughts which are holding you back from achieving your dreams. Now you wear your helmet afresh, fix the gloves, stand on the crease; and choose BELIEF over DOUBT and DREAMS over REALITY. Within no time your moment arrives. Kulasakera bowls full length with maximum power trying to throw a Yorker, yet you want to make your dreams come true and so you smash it hard with the stroke of belief. The knock of your dream takes the ball high in the sky. Breaking down the reality against all hardships of your life, the ball flies across the boundary, the boundaries of conventions and status quos. Like a rebel, the ball crosses reality; it goes into the crowd, the people, from where it all has come; the criticism which helped you improve, the humiliations that built your self-esteem, virtues, the accolades, the praises, the love; everything. You keep your eyes on the trajectory of the ball, you know you have won the match, but you keep your gaze intact. Time freezes at this moment. Everything ceases to exist except you. It gives a quick flashback of what you were and what you have become; from a dreamer, rebel, leader and a captain to this “YOU”. You recollect that moment when you first in your wildest of thoughts had dreamt as a kid to become something one day. And that day has come, just because you chose dreams over reality; and today, you have made it to “THAT” six. 

The ball vanishes in the crowd. With the blink of your eyes, the micro-second of dream for which you have been working all through your life, ends! “Dhoni finishes off in style! A magnificent strike into the crowd! India lifts the world-cup after 28 years. The Party starts in the dressing room and it’s an Indian captain, who has been absolutely magnificent in the night of the final!” shouts the whole world through the voice of Ravi shastri; and a dream meets its destiny through a way, Maahi Way!